im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
