I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
