I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
