can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
