I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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