My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think my moral compass just broke
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
