so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
