Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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