i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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