i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
