k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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