I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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