I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
