We're facebook friends in real life
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
