When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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