Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
