I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
