In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
