somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
