Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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