I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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