he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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