the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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