1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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