I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
