If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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