grandma shit on top of the toilet
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
