im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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