Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
