My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
