we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
