I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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