can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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