the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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