can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
