we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
