so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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