Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
