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When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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