Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
