What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
