you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
