I must be too annoying 4 u.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
