I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
