Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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