I want to have your abortion
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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