I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
