I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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