No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
