There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
