So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
